I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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