I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
