Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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