I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
