I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
