You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
