you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When did angry sex become our thing?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
