It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
