My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
