sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
