I am in a vortex of obligation.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
