i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
