for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
