i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
