My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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