my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
