Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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