Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
