decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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