Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
