You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
