Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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