just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
