There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
