She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
