i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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