We're facebook friends in real life
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
