you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
