I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
