So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
