there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
