Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
