yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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