I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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