so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
