You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
