I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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