I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
