My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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