Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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