I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
