i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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