sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
