you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
