My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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