why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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