no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
