i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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