what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
