If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
