my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
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